WHAT WAS

I was just looking through some of my pictures that I had pre-transplant, and thinking about what life was like at that time.  To be honest, I can't remember too much about that time ... blame it on the lack of oxygen, or just my body and mind blocking it out. 

This is a picture of me just 2 days before I got my call.  I'm not sure how much more my body could have held on ... luckily, those lungs came right on time!  As you can see, I was pretty much confined to a wheel chair to get around ... not something that I was too comfortable with ... but I could barely dress myself or get to the bathroom without getting severely out of breath, seeing black spots and having the wonderful pounding headache from the lack of oxygen.

Never the less, I kept on smiling ...

30 MONTHS AGO ...

30 months; 2 and a half years ago today, I was waking from surgery!  I had received the ultimate gift ... a second chance at life!

I don't remember too much from the following days, but I remember this day so clearly!  What stands out, and has stood out, is the difference in my breathing.  Although I had been intubated, I can still remember the easy that there was with breathing ... and that I didn't feel congested AT ALL!

It was the next morning that they removed the tube and that's when I REALLY noticed the difference!!  Amazing, unbelievable, there are just no words to describe it, even to this day!

What is most amazing, is the generosity of my donor and their family.  Only if you've had this experience can you really, truly, be inspired by the kindness of some individuals.  Although it's against protocol, I would love to meet my donor's family and learn of the person who gave me my new, wonderful life ... maybe someday by chance ... who knows.

I think my picture shows the excitement [even with all the meds] that I was feeling to wake up with a new life!  There will never be anything to top this feeling and the joy I've experienced since that day!

For those who are not donors, please re-consider and help save someone's life!  Newfoundland and Labrador DOES have an organ procurement and exchange program.  If you want to learn more about this and other organ donations options, please click the link above!

PLEASE DON'T TAKE YOUR ORGANS TO HEAVEN, HEAVEN KNOWS WE NEED THEM HERE!

TIME FOR A CHANGE

I thought that updating my blog would be a great place to start.  I'm very picky when it comes to colors, fonts, design ... if only I knew a little more about designing using html codes ... oh well, maybe I see an online course in my future.

Hope you enjoy ... and please hang tight until things are up and running smoothly!!

MY LIFE ... WHERE HAS IT GONE??!!

"I was given this life because I'm strong enough to live it"

I absolutely love that quote, and for me, it's so very true!  I've been handed a lot of crap throughout my life and have been able to manage and deal with whatever was piled on my plate.  For as long as I can remember, it's been this way ... but to be honest, I've had just able enough of it!

I was given this new life just over 2 years ago ... and what have I done ... NOTHING!  I've stressed, panicked, tortured, and just able pulled my hair out over "stuff" that I have little to no control over.

I have always wanted and attempted to "control" my life.  Living with CF ... you're forced to do that, or give up.  So far I've done a pretty damn good job of "controlling" my life ... until now ...

I keep thinking back to 2 years ago, right before and right after transplant.  Living just on the brink of life or death puts a lot of things into perspective.  In February 2008, I honestly thought that I would not live to see my birthday in May of that year.  To be honest, I wouldn't have lasted until the end of the month.  But I didn't let that stop me.  Yes, life at that time was little more than existing, but I still kept myself as healthy as I possibly could ... "controlling" it as best I could.  To be honest, life was simple at that point ... I had ME to think of ... and ME only!  It was nice.

Following transplant, life had a whole new meaning.  I was still just thinking about ME and want a wonderful second chance I had been given.  I vowed that I would cherish each and every moment as this was not only my life, but a continuation of the life of my donor ... just a little more pressure :)!

That all changed when I returned home to 'reality' ... but there was no reason that it had to ... I just let it happen.  Now here I am with all the stress of my previous life, plus added stressors of crap that has happened since, and stressors of my new life.  I didn't expect to live a care-free life ... but I WANTED to enjoy the new life I was given.  I feel so guilty that this isn't happening.

I just want to enjoy my new life, my home, my husband, my doggies, my family ... and when I want a little "more", I would have work to rely on for that.  I don't want to be lazy and just sit around the house ... but I WANT a life and I WANT to enjoy THIS LIFE!

I WANT the opportunity to do things that I didn't have the opportunity to do because of my health

I WANT to be spontaneous and jump on a plane for a vacation when I NEED one

I WANT a simple life ... with less worries ... after all, I have plenty of health-related worries to deal with

i just WANT to LIVE MY LIFE!  This NEW LIFE!

I hate to dwell on the negative and "not-so-joyous" parts of life ... but if I'm going to rant a little, I may as well get it all out.  I know life isn't easy and we have to play the hand we're dealt, but I'm not asking for an EASY life ... I just WANT to wake up and not have all other crap to deal with ... I've dealt with my share for a while ...

IN NEED OF A BREAK

I'm not one to complain and I LOVE a bit of chaos and crisis sometimes .... but just that, SOMETIMES! With my new job that I took the middle of June, I expected a bit of a change and a bit more 'excitement'. My job is by no means a quite desk job ... and no more do I want it to be that!

But these past few weeks ... well ... have proven to be just a tad bit stressful!

Not that my work is any more stressful ... yes, it's a lot more busier since the middle of July, but that combined with home life is proving to be a bit much to manage.

I've finally gotten an offer on a property that I've had for sale for a number of years. It's located in a very rural area, and to be honest, I didn't think that I would ever sell it. I'm not looking to make any amount of money, but I just want it off my hands, so I don't have to worry about it anymore! So, things have been progressing more slowly with that, than I had expected. First off, I couldn't find the survey/deed of the land. I KNOW it's done, but no where to be found. Secondly, the septic that was SUPPOSED to be inspected in 2005, has no record of being done. And thirdly, I have family members who are proving to be a royal pain in the ass.
Instead of helping me get the damn thing off my hands, I'm running into road block after road block. I now have the survey completed and the septic is to be inspected on Monday ... but if my patience can hold out until the things is finalized .... well, we will have to wait and see. It's not looking good!!

 On top of that, we're trying to re-mortgage our home. Yes, it's that time again ... and something else that's proving to be a pain! With our first mortgage we had an inspector do a drive by appraisal ... now they are wanting the full blown in-home inspection!! We're hoping to get that finalized on Monday and get everything straightened out before the first week of September.

I wouldn't mind doing all these little pain the butt things, but working on top of that ... just isn't happening! I've always been able to manage and handle a number of things at once ... I'm a great multi-tasker ... but to be honest, I'm sick of it!! I don't want to have to worry and stress about a bunch of stuff ... I just wanna live this new life that I've been given ...

... I want to enjoy ME!

This is such a great CF awareness video. It's so amazing that they filmed the entire thing underwater!!

First and probably last holiday ....

I finally decided to take a few days off work and try to enjoy myself. Every year since I've graduated [2003] I have only taken time off for doctor's appointments, sickness, bereavement, to help friends, attend weddings, cancer treatments, and of course my transplant. I have NEVER taken a day for myself!

With my new job ... and permanent status, I decided to take a week. Yes, I know you're asking, "why only a week", but I did have a reason. Because I'm never really sure when Toronto will come a-calling ... I always want to have a few days banked for such cases.

Now after my weekend off, I was saying the same thing to myself ... "why didn't I take 2 weeks" ... and of course, the thought hadn't crossed my mind when I got 'a call' ... Toronto wants me back the first week of September!! As this is the 2 year mark from when I was exposed to b. cepacia, protocol is that I be followed for 2 years. If negative at that time, I should be in the clear for ever developing the bug. So far I'm testing negative ... only September will tell ...

Of course, here I am at the start of my official holiday and now this news ... why didn't I just want until September and take 2 weeks then??!! Now I'm feeling guilty that I have to leave work AGAIN .. plus the numerous tests and doctor's appointments that I'll have to have prior to the trip ... aaaagggghhhh!

SO, MY HOLIDAY'S ARE SHOT ...

Now what ... I'm heading back to work, no more relaxed then before ... and probably more stressed about the upcoming assessment in Toronto! Oh the joys of this wonderful, unpredictable, boring, yet exciting life ... YAY ME!

I think my next holiday will be a 2 week trip somewhere HOT ... and when will that happen ... your guess is as good as mine !!!