MY LIFE ... WHERE HAS IT GONE??!!

"I was given this life because I'm strong enough to live it"

I absolutely love that quote, and for me, it's so very true!  I've been handed a lot of crap throughout my life and have been able to manage and deal with whatever was piled on my plate.  For as long as I can remember, it's been this way ... but to be honest, I've had just able enough of it!

I was given this new life just over 2 years ago ... and what have I done ... NOTHING!  I've stressed, panicked, tortured, and just able pulled my hair out over "stuff" that I have little to no control over.

I have always wanted and attempted to "control" my life.  Living with CF ... you're forced to do that, or give up.  So far I've done a pretty damn good job of "controlling" my life ... until now ...

I keep thinking back to 2 years ago, right before and right after transplant.  Living just on the brink of life or death puts a lot of things into perspective.  In February 2008, I honestly thought that I would not live to see my birthday in May of that year.  To be honest, I wouldn't have lasted until the end of the month.  But I didn't let that stop me.  Yes, life at that time was little more than existing, but I still kept myself as healthy as I possibly could ... "controlling" it as best I could.  To be honest, life was simple at that point ... I had ME to think of ... and ME only!  It was nice.

Following transplant, life had a whole new meaning.  I was still just thinking about ME and want a wonderful second chance I had been given.  I vowed that I would cherish each and every moment as this was not only my life, but a continuation of the life of my donor ... just a little more pressure :)!

That all changed when I returned home to 'reality' ... but there was no reason that it had to ... I just let it happen.  Now here I am with all the stress of my previous life, plus added stressors of crap that has happened since, and stressors of my new life.  I didn't expect to live a care-free life ... but I WANTED to enjoy the new life I was given.  I feel so guilty that this isn't happening.

I just want to enjoy my new life, my home, my husband, my doggies, my family ... and when I want a little "more", I would have work to rely on for that.  I don't want to be lazy and just sit around the house ... but I WANT a life and I WANT to enjoy THIS LIFE!

I WANT the opportunity to do things that I didn't have the opportunity to do because of my health

I WANT to be spontaneous and jump on a plane for a vacation when I NEED one

I WANT a simple life ... with less worries ... after all, I have plenty of health-related worries to deal with

i just WANT to LIVE MY LIFE!  This NEW LIFE!

I hate to dwell on the negative and "not-so-joyous" parts of life ... but if I'm going to rant a little, I may as well get it all out.  I know life isn't easy and we have to play the hand we're dealt, but I'm not asking for an EASY life ... I just WANT to wake up and not have all other crap to deal with ... I've dealt with my share for a while ...